Raising kind, confident kids is a balancing act. We want them to be compassionate, but we also want them to stand up for themselves. The challenge? Teaching them to be assertive without crossing the line into rudeness or aggression. It’s a tricky skill, but one that will serve them for life.
Here’s how to help your kids find their voice—while still being kind and respectful.
Teach the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive
Some kids hesitate to speak up because they don’t want to be mean. Others think standing up for themselves means getting loud or confrontational. Teach them the difference. Assertiveness means speaking up with confidence, not with anger. It means setting boundaries without tearing others down.
Model It in Everyday Life
Kids learn by watching. If they see you speaking respectfully but firmly—whether returning an incorrect order at a restaurant or addressing a problem at work—they’ll follow your lead. Let them see how you handle tough conversations with patience and confidence.
Help Them Practice Speaking Up
Standing up for yourself is a skill, and like any skill, it takes practice. Role-play different scenarios with your child. Help them find words that are clear and direct but not harsh. Simple phrases like “I don’t like that” or “Please stop” are great places to start.
Encourage Them to Use “I” Statements
Instead of blaming or accusing, teach your child to express how they feel. Saying “You’re being mean” might lead to more conflict. But saying, “I don’t like being talked to that way,” sets a boundary without escalating the situation.
Teach Them When to Walk Away
Not every situation requires a big response. Sometimes, the best way to stand up for yourself is to remove yourself from a negative situation. Let your child know it’s okay to walk away from people who don’t treat them well. Strength isn’t just about speaking up—it’s about knowing when to disengage.
Encourage Confidence, Not Arrogance
A child who believes in themselves will have an easier time standing up for what’s right. But confidence isn’t about putting others down. Teach them that real strength comes from kindness, patience, and self-respect—not from proving they’re better than someone else.
Show Them How to Handle Criticism
Kids will face criticism in life, and they need to know how to handle it. Teach them to listen, decide if the feedback is helpful, and respond appropriately. If it’s constructive, they can learn from it. If it’s just mean-spirited, they can let it go.
Teach Them Empathy While Setting Boundaries
Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean ignoring other people’s feelings. Help your child see both sides of a situation. They can say, “I understand that you’re upset, but I don’t like being treated this way.” This shows strength while also respecting others.
Remind Them That It’s Okay to Ask for Help
Kids don’t have to handle everything on their own. If they’re dealing with bullying, peer pressure, or unfair treatment, they should feel comfortable talking to a parent, teacher, or trusted friend. Knowing when to ask for support is part of being strong.
Reinforce That Their Voice Matters
Above all, kids need to know that what they say—and how they feel—matters. When they speak up, listen. Validate their experiences. Show them that their words have power—and that standing up for themselves is always worth it.
Helping kids learn to be assertive without being unkind takes patience and practice, but it’s one of the most important skills we can teach them. When they learn to stand tall, speak clearly, and treat others with respect, they’ll be prepared to handle whatever life throws their way. And that’s something to be proud of.
The Music Mom: Eileen Carey 